Week One is in the books. Overall, I would classify it as a success. My food was chosen in the spirit of self-care, freshness and vitality – very colorful and bright. I missed one weight lifting workout. The excuse, 12 hours of travel from Washington to Ohio. Really, I could have woken up earlier to fit it in. This week there’ll be none of that excuse stuff. Gratitude lists and love and appreciates kept me, for the most part, even keeled and attentive to the fact that I am so very fortunate.
I notice that when I live intentionally, I am much more sensitive. My body is almost humming – not quite singing, but it is letting me know it is there. This is a far cry from the many years I spent disconnected from my physical self. I ran and moved and pushed my body, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t care what it had to say.
I am finding myself more sensitive emotionally too, these past 7 days. Trying to give time to the faint whispers that sometimes arise as well as the loud, pounding waves of emotions that come up too. Typically, I find it mostly interesting and ride the waves with a sense of adventure and curiosity. Yesterday though, was a day where I was pretty much unimpressed by it all. As a yogi, I strive to view my thoughts, actions, emotions from the vantage point of a tolerant observer. Yesterday, I was all critic. Annoyed by my frustrations, my insensitivity, my imperfections. Quickly, in this headspace, with a swirl and a downward pull, I felt the years recede and an old familiar ache. Underwater, hollow and alone, you are not good enough.
I struggled to welcome it all yesterday. I struggled to be kind, generous and gentle. Intolerant of the fact that I have reactions, that I am not always fine, that I cannot control it all. So disappointed, that still, things which I think should be easy take me by surprise with their challenge. Disappointed that I work so hard to be open hearted and at the least little sign of vulnerability, my body rebels and literally curls up in a ball of resistance, as if to say “What were you thinking? This, this here, safe and closed off, this is home.”
I woke up this morning tired, tired but determined. In this life, I get to choose who shows up, I get to choose who I want to be. So with yesterday in mind, I undertake the adventure of Week Two. My intention and desire is to be kind, without exception. To be tender with all my pieces and parts, regardless of how undeserving I think they may be. For Week Two, I choose to consciously make a shift from my judging, critical, intellectual mind to a softer, safer, more tolerant place. A place where I get to breathe into the ache and the disappointment, to acknowledge the frustrations and imperfections and to welcome them all. This week, I’m choosing to experiment with this in my practice through backbends – my least favorite pose group. I figure no better place for me to practice compassion and kindness than right at my edge. I’ll let you know how it goes!
Classes I have taken, or plan to take this week:
Monday night – Jill’s Kundalini
Thursday afternoon – Julie’s Hot Flow
Friday afternoon – Michael’s Hot Flow
Let’s see if they’ll take requests for backbends